Jackal

so...

The last month has been a mix of triumphs/failures over familiar self-defeating habits, and efforts to engage.  I have battled away thoughts of withdrawing and at times I have succumbed to them.

I invited a friend from my summer creative arts course to come for coffee in my new home. That was quite a big deal as I cannot remember the last time I ever had anyone other than family come to my home.

I am working hard on the idea of friends being like layers of an onion. In my world it has always been all or nothing - and as a result I have only ever had one friend at a time and all my energy is invested in that friend. Whatever is mine is theirs... I do anything, go anywhere for them. I give them my heart. There would be an intensity which I now realize is one sided.

Anyway back to the onion - I am trying to come to terms with the idea that friends can be let in at various levels and do not have to be either all the way in or all the way out.

It feels a little uncomfortable to call someone who I do not know well or who does not know me well - a friend.

A wave of tiredness has swept over me and the desire to withdraw is ever so strong. My focus is on my new home and feeling safe there, and Milky ( my dog ). Anything else just seems too overwhelming. I even struggled to go to the art/craft group in where I get support and can be creative. I just could not cope with trying to put on a brave face and be around others. So for 4 weeks I did not attend. When I returned I gave out my new address and phone number in effort to be more open to friendships.

This week has been especially difficult with bad nights and anxiety. I feel frustration as my new doctor and CPN don't know me and I am, on the outside, all smiles saying,'yes I am fine, thanks.' but inside I am screaming nobody understands. I know it is my responsibility to tell folks what is going on and that folks cannot mind read but it just seems so important to convince everyone I am okay. Everyone thinks I am doing so well and coped so well with the move, I have a lovely new home. a wonderful energetic dog, family close by and have new avenues to explore... so it feels wrong for me to be feeling so bad. I'm afraid people won't understand. I am glad and relieved to have moved but I guess I have to accept I cannot just escape the inner/outer turmoil of being me.

My anxiety is compounded as I am meeting up with a woman on Monday, who also suffers from mental illness, to go for a walk. She recently lost her mum and has no-one and wants to lose weight. The meeting is being facilitated by a care worker who feels we may be able to support each other.

I am terrified but feel a deep sense of compassion that she has lost her mum and has no-one. I feel a responsibility that I make the connection with her work. I am full of doubt and 'what if's'. I am scared she does not like me and it will feel like another failure. I am not a talker and am very quiet which is often taken the wrong way. I know that the woman will also be anxious and possibly have the same fears as me but maybe if we are brave enough...

posted by: Jackal at October 25, 2008 13:18 | link | comments (12) |
mental illness

Comments:

#1  25 October 2008 - 13:31

 

You have to understand that people know the move didn't "cure" you, J. There's no such thing as a geographical cure. Trust me, I've tried.
No one close to you expected this to take away your fears and anxieties! You don't have to hide them! The move was a wonderful new adventure for you and should be seen as that, but you can't fully enjoy it until you allow yourself to relax and be exactly who you are.
It is absolutely possible to be happy and depressed at the same time! You can be happy and excited over this new step in your life and still feel your pain and depression. You're still the same woman. She's just in a new place in her life.
So stop beating yourself up over being you. Tell your medical team the TRUTH. Don't be ashamed to admit bad days and nights to family. Keep reminding yourself you can have friends and accquaintances. Not everyone has to be the only one.
You're special. When you make changes that seem small to some people, they're huge to you. Allow yourself the proper time to adjust. Coffee at your house is a great start! Maybe next time you can invite a completely different person! Two friends... imagine that. :) *hug*

Ladyinthemoon

#2  25 October 2008 - 13:48

 

Lady's response is excellent. I might add that a quiet person makes the best listener, and it sounds as though this woman who is alone needs a quiet companion.

Your analogy of the "onion layers" of friendship is really a good one. People grow and change and have many layers, and friendships that go the distance respect boundaries. That is not to say that any of us is perfect or are always perfect friends; the truth of the friendship lies in the balance of give and take over years. Also, some friends are not "forever friends," and there is no way of knowing any of this at the beginning of a friendship, or even sometimes in the middle of one.

You're learning to trust yourself and your own instincts, and that is a lesson that takes a lifetime. You're doing very well over the long term. Think where you were a year ago, two years ago. You're wonderful, and you're headed in the right direction. In learning to trust your own instincts (which seem sound to me), you will then learn to trust others. One step at a time. But being honest with your mental health workers is imperative, in my opinion.

xoxoxo

InMyLife

#3  25 October 2008 - 16:36

 

they say the best way to have friends is to be one. and you already have compassion for her. you will be able to do for her by providing a space for her to be who she is. quiet can be very good for that, and often it is very comforting just to be with someone -- nothing needs to be said. don't expect anything. just be yourself. everyone here likes you, you know. but don't worry if you think she doesn't -- she may just be lost in her own grief and unable to connect.

but you understand that. depression is so exhausting. it makes everything seem like a terrible effort. but really, your fine intelligent sensitive mind is craving some adventure and experience and connection. i know you'll do fine.

and how is your sweet milky doing? will you post some more pictures when you have time?

much love to you jackal. much.

limine

#4  25 October 2008 - 17:18

 

Several years ago, the women friends that I'd had [3 or 4 to whom I felt close] had all moved away. I was bemoaning to my male friend, R, that all my friends had gone away. He looked at me and said "But I'm here." I had been only looking the possibility of close woman friends - and that simple statement opened me up to the possibilities. Since then, I've been quite close to 3 or 4 males - friends, not lovers - with whom I can talk about almost anything - and have since acquired 1 new woman friend and re-acquired another. Amazing, isn't it. You are a lovely, articulate, intelligent woman and I'm sure you will eventually find as many friends as you want. Love to you, Diana

mafidl

#5  02 November 2008 - 00:49

 

i believe in quality, not quantity. aside from the Motimers, you will find a close friend who will like a soul mate. It’s just in a matter of time- you’ll see.

I agree with Lady in that you must be honest with the health team about everything. They are there for you and address your concerns and help you help yourself heal.

Love and hugs,
A.

Amberley

#6  02 November 2008 - 03:23

 

This is going to be a long comment.

The path to healing is filled with ups and downs, but it signifies that there is movement, not a downward spiral. I should know.

No one knows that I have sometimes written to you sharing my ups and downs and confessing to you that I have suspicions that I suffer from some kind of disorder. My dad suffered from perennial depression all his life and I suspect that I inherited it. Although you and I suffer from different "problems" I read your blogs and always think of how I feel rather alienated from other people - never quite sure if others feel this way because it isn't something anyone really feels comfortable sharing or hearing (in my personal experience).
This is all a long premise to tell you that in some small way I understand. I cannot understand what it is to be you or feel the way you do, but I do understand some aspects. I mean this with all respect. I am sure you will take it that way because you possess a sense of humanity.

That is obvious especially in this post of yours where you agree to meet with someone who is suffering, in spite of the fact that you have your "plate full" with your own concerns. I admire you for this.

You are reaching out. That is good. You are trying. You are making a concerted effort to win. It is all about the journey, dear Jackal, and how we strive to be the best we can be, even when we doubt (here I am referring to me, not necessarily to you) we are not up to par. I believe in you. From what I know of you, you are a beautiful being wrapped up in struggles, but nonetheless, amazingly beautiful. You shine. It is easy to shine when all is well, but you manage to shine even when you are struggling. You are a hero. I just wanted you to know this. Kind words that are sincere (as mine are) can heal and inspire.

You are doing the very best you can and that is more than enough.

Love,

Alohalani

RomaCittaEterna

#7  02 November 2008 - 03:28

 

P.S. I just read everyone else's comments and I have to say that there is a lot of sound wisdom here at Mo'time. As others have told me, I value your thoughts, your blog, who you are and even when things are not "shiny" I still want to know where you are at and am willing to listen. Listening is everything - a precious gift. One that we all constantly share in this space.
*hugs*

RomaCittaEterna

#8  02 November 2008 - 14:44

 

{{{ huggles }}} to you all for your continued support.

Jackal

#9  08 November 2008 - 13:32

 

Moving is exciting especially when you're happy with the new situation, but, having moved a lot in my life, I found that it always involves an adjustment period. Even when you've moved to a "better" place. As the new home accumulates memories and good associations, it will increasingly become a comforting part of your life.

I agree with Limine that being a friend draws the right people to you. I've struggled with some of the same issues you face. Being quiet and having it misunderstood so often. But your inner beauty is there, and if you find the courage to gently let it out for others to see, real connections are possible.

behindtheblink

#10  08 November 2008 - 17:09

 

I only just now looked at the video you posted. I hadn't before because I thought it a music video and was more interested in reading your thoughts. I am so glad I came back to read your post again and played the video. I came to post that I was thinking of you this morning with much affection.

RomaCittaEterna

#11  09 November 2008 - 12:56

 

I am going to write this here rather than tell you privately so that you have the time to read this at your leaisure, and return to it whenever you want. Also so that your MoTime FRIENDS can see it too. sorry it's a bit long.

I have always said you can never have too many friends, they ARE like the layers of an onion and if you let them in you will find that you can have different friends that each bring something different to you. I've always been very sad and angry that the friends you had at each point in your life let you down, but now I understand that you put so much in to them that they couldn't cope. It was not their fault or yours. But now that you know this perhaps you can cultivate a handful of friends that will each provide you with something different in their friendship. Small steps, but important ones.

Please do open up to Dr M, (it is him you are seeing?) I always found that he listened to ME and trusted me.

I have a friend who's baby son is very ill and having Chemo - I listen to her but then she is willing to listen to me when I need to rant. Listening to each other's problems means that the burden is lifted from each of us whilst also giving us the chance to forget about our own issues for a moment. So go on, meet this other lady, listen to her and then she will be able to listen to you in return for I'm sure she will welcome the chance to step away from her life for a little while.

As for your home, it is lovely and getting cosier by the minute. I know that J can be infuriating and you would like all the work he is doing to be finished yesterday but he is doing what he is doing and providing various bits and pieces because he WANTS to. He says that he wants to because you are so generous to us, because you always spoil us at Christmas and this is the way that he can repay you.

We don't understand what it's like to be you. We try to help when we can and we try to just be normal. I am always here to listen if you want to talk but accept that you probably won't. So lastly, I hope that us just being normal with you is not seen as that we don't care. We do.

You and I are chalk and cheese, we fought like cat and dog sometimes when growing up, but I am always here for you.

Your loving sister

Mo'nonymous

#12  09 November 2008 - 19:53

 

Thanks sis, love and hugs to you !

Jackal

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