The offer I put in for the bungalow was accepted - entry date 18th August. My head is spinning with excitement, anxiety, fear, possibilities for a new start.
Update
After a slight hiccup - all things are on course as planned.
As you can imagine the last few days have been hectic, fun and tiring. There has been doggy breath, smelly farts, cavorting about, snoring, runny poo, drool and slobber - and that's just ME!!!
Milky is settling in slowly - although she is 6 months old she is only used to roaming free on a farm so I am having to condition her to the small town environment. She is so inquisitive that she stops to take in every new sight, sound, smell... a 15 minute walk actually takes an hour.
She adores other dogs and is very gentle with the cats... she is used to cats and is curious but is not aggressive however, the cats are giving her a wide berth for now.
Milky has never worn a collar or been on a lead but she seems content enough when wearing the collar/harness. I am introducing her slowly to her neighbourhood and hopefully her confidence will grow.
Tonight she is going to her first puppy party at the vets. It is to help her socialize with other puppies and for her to associate the vet as something good and not to be feared. The puppy party is run by the vet and a nurse and will give owners tips and advice on all aspects of dog care and will hopefully give me confidence and reassurance too.
I feel such a responsibility towards Milky's well being and cannot begin to fathom the responsibility it must take to have a child. My mind boggles ( as well as other things ;). It is quite terrifying incase I do something wrong in her care - I suppose it is normal to want the best for her well being and happiness.
I have enrolled us on a puppy obedience class which will teach me the basics of good handling which will benefit Milky.
I have a crate for her but as yet have not spent time getting her crate trained other than having it there for her to see and explore. I feel she has enough to cope with at the moment and once she is more settled I will try to get her in her crate so she feels safe and secure when in it and alone.
She is just so adorable and huggable but then maybe I am biased ! ;)
Meet Milky my 6 month old boxer pup.
I have been reluctant and unsure on how to share the goings on over the last few weeks as major changes are taking place and I have been rather detached.
To cope I have put a distance between myself and reality. I'm basically watching the events unfold as if it were happening to someone else.
However, fact is I have sold my flat in Edinburgh and move out on the 31st July. The removals will be in and my belongings packed in storage, as I do not yet know if the bungalow in the countryside is still going to be on sale by the time I am able to put in an offer. The uncertainty is difficult. But hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to put in an offer.
As I said I have not 'felt' anything yet and I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad. The city, as much as I love Edinburgh, had a negative, toxic impact on me and it was a lonely place to be. Whereas where I am moving to has so many plus points which will have a positive impact on my mental and physical health.
However, I will have a new mental health team to support me and this is causing me much anxiety. After working hard to build a therapeutic relationship with my GP, psychologist and CPN over the last couple of years it feels difficult to 'start over'. I will see a new psychiatrist on 7th August when I go for an assessment of my needs. What services are available will dictate what treatment I will get. My anxiety is partly due to feeling such shame about having BPD - it comes with much stigma from the professionals that it makes me feel so uncomfortable because I fear they will dislike me due to the reputation of this disorder. I get defensive. The other reason is it takes me a while to trust anyone that the process takes so much time.
My current psychologist thinks we need to continue working together for a bit longer for consistency sake. With so many changes it will be beneficial to ease my difficulties by still having a familiar face to help support me during the transition. It may take many months on a waiting list before I get a new psychologist.
I am anxious that I will soon be living on my own again. The last two years I have basically had 24 hour support and have felt the safety net. My fear is that due to my mental illness I will not be able to cope on my own and that I spiral and withdraw again. I may be leaving Edinburgh behind but I will still be 'me' and all the difficulties that causes. So much seems to be resting on this move and wonder if I have a false belief that by moving everything will suddenly be better again. But it is the general concensus that the quality of my life will be better... hopefully over the coming months I will settle in okay.
I worry that I will let folks down - it feels so important to be strong and not crumble but I know challenges are ahead. I am learning to take each step at a time - I find I can only cope with one thing at a time. The whole process of moving is so overwhelming that I wish I could just press a magic button and everything that needs to be done will be done. But life is not that simple and I guess that is the beauty of it all.
Jackal is having a life lesson on - P A T I E N C E. Jackal is learning she has NO patience.
*Jackal mutters under her breath and twiddles her thumbs*
You didn't know I could multi-task eh?? I know, I sometimes even impress myself ! ;)
The creative arts course came to an end today - 12 weeks of blood, sweat and tears, oops I mean creative writing, poetry, script writing, role play, singing, and drawing,
As each week went by I felt more at ease with the other students partly due to small size of group - of the 12 students who started only 4 of us completed the course... however the course content had me at many times outwith my comfort zone and am not surprised there was a high drop out rate. Makes me feel proud that I stuck it out.
The course was loosely structured with plenty of room for flexibility - sometimes the sessions took on a life of their own but was all due to our contributions.
Towards the end of the course I plucked up the courage to ask if any of the students would like to exchange phone numbers and perhaps arrange to meet up for coffee before the next class. As a result, 3 of us met up for coffee prior to todays class and have agreed to meet up again even though the course has finished. This was a big deal for me but I am so glad I did.
Last week and today we were filmed ( gasp ) singing as a group and individually reading out our poetry. I will get a copy and will obviously send it off to all the various producers and publishers - NOT!!!
During the course we had to observe our fellow students and write down the positives of each student. The support worker and tutor wrote their observations too and the tutor compiled the results for each of us.
Janine, here are some of the things the group had to say about you:
Janine is responsible, genuine and wears great hats!
Janine is polite and friendly.
Janine is funny, clever and quiet but easy to speak to.
Janine is a good communicator; she is friendly, punctual and good at expressing her feelings.
Sassy and fun, Janine is quietly intelligent and full of mischief!
TSK!
Anyway, I have a real sense of achievement having completed the course, have made 2 potential friends and what's more I actually enjoyed myself! Funny how to begin with I questioned what on earth was I thinking to now feeling sad that the course is over.
It's not always easy knowing what the right thing to do is. Faced with uncertainties, questions, fears, it is often easier just to do nothing. But sometimes life changing decisions have to be made and a leap of faith required. For the last two years I have divided my time in the city and in the countryside. But over the last year I have increasingly spent more time in the countryside. For me, as much as I love Edinburgh it was proving to be a source of much distress to be living there in isolation. It is time to move on and so after 15 years I am moving to a small Perthshire town.
Well, I will be if I can sell my flat given the current credit crunch times. My flat will be on the market on Monday. I have come across an ideal property- a little bungalow with garden - but must not get my hopes up. If it is to be it is to be - if not- something else will turn up.
I admit it has taken many months of agonizing over all the pros and cons and finally I feel I have started the ball rolling for a much better quality of life. My CPN initially suggested I move last year and I thought she needed a psychological intervention!!! But she was right.
For a start I will be closer to mother and sister, will be in an environment which is less overwhelming. Be near the contacts and friends I have been making over the last year, and finally I will be able to have my much wanted dog.
However, obviously financial concerns have been prominent, moving home will no doubt mean I will lose my benefits. I will have to change my mental health team, who on the whole have been excellent. I may end up on the bottom of the waiting list for a new team of professionals. I am anxious about having to trust a new set of professionals.
At the moment although a decision has been made there still feels a huge amount of uncertainty.
My mother keeps telling me to take one day at a time and that each hurdle can be surmounted.
A few of you may be aware that I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. As May is BPD Awareness month I wanted to take this opportunity to spread the awareness of this disorder here on my blog.
BPD is a severe, chronic, disabling, and potentially lethal psychiatric condition. People who suffer with this disorder have extreme and long standing instability in their emotional lives, as well as in their behavior and their self-image. This is a common disorder affecting 2% of the general population. The best evidence indicates that about 11% of psychiatric outpatients and 19% of inpatients meet diagnostic criteria for BPD.
These instabilities of emotion, behavior, and self-image have devastating and sometimes deadly consequences. People with BPD have repeated and frequent difficulties in their relationships and work lives and they feel alternating extremes of anger, depression, and emptiness. All too frequently, 69% to 75% of individuals with BPD resort to self-destructive behaviors such as self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, serious over or under eating, and suicide attempts to attempt to escape from their emotional turmoil. The completed suicide rate for BPD individuals is 3% to 9.5%, which is comparable to the other serious psychiatric disorders such as depression, alcohol dependence, and schizophrenia.
Compounding the seriousness of Borderline Personality Disorder is that it is difficult to treat. The very characteristics of the disorder, such as unstable relationships and intense anger, interfere with establishing the therapeutic relationship that is necessary to any treatment, whether psychotherapy or medication. Further, mental health professionals often are reluctant to treat these individuals because they exhibit two characteristics likely to lead to clinician “burnout” : the BPD person’s hostility towards the clinical professional and their persistent suicidal thoughts and feelings.
Despite the devastating nature of this disorder, it has not received the scientific and clinical attention that other health and psychiatric problems of equal, or even lesser, level of disability have received.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is an American handbook for mental health professionals that lists different categories of mental disorders and the criteria for diagnosing them. It is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and used worldwide by clinicians and researchers as well as insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and policy makers.
According to the DSM-IV, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
The mind of an individual with BPD does not correctly process emotions, and is triggered by a wide range of seemingly normal events and circumstances–a look, a sound, a physical touch, or something that evokes a memory of a past event. This trigger creates an environment that is perceived as unsafe and chaotic, resulting in the BPD responding in a dramatic ‘fight or flight’ manner, often leading to either intense fear and social isolation or ‘acting out’ through impulsive, maladaptive behaviors.
The tendency of individuals with BPD is to actively avoid threatening situations.
The result of avoidance is isolation and denial, which leaves the individual feeling more alone, hopeless, and ’stuck’ in a self-destructive cycle of out-of-control emotions. The confusion and pain is experienced not only in the mind of the individual with BPD, but also in the lives of their family and loved ones who are equally impacted by the devastating consequences of this mental illness.
Why is the Ability to Regulate Emotions So Crucial?
The ability to regulate the experience and expression of emotion is crucial because its absence leads to the disruption of behavior, especially goal-directed behavior and other prosocial behavior.
The inability to regulate emotional arousal also interferes with the development and maintenance of a sense of self.
What are the Effects of Emotional Dsyregulation?
The numbness associated with inhibited affect is often experienced as emptiness. The individual’s sense of events is never ‘correct’ or unpredictably ‘correct’, which leads to the development of an overdependence on others to determine how they think, feel, and act. This further leads to a lack of identity or complete absence of a sense of self.
The difficulties in controlling impulsive behaviors and expressions of extreme negative emotions wreak havoc in many ways with their relationships; in particular, difficulties with anger and anger expression preclude the maintenance of stable relationships.
What Causes Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional invalidation is an interaction style characteristic of societies that put a premium on individualism, including individual self-control and individual achievement.
An invalidating environment contributes to emotion dysregulation in a number of ways:
Painful experiences are trivialized and attributed to negative traits such as lack of motivation, lack of discipline, and failure to adopt a positive attitude.
It fails to teach the child to label and modulate arousal, to tolerate distress, or to trust her own emotional responses as valid interpretations of events.
It actively teaches the child to invalidate her own experiences by making it necessary for her to scan the environment for cues about how to act and feel.
It punishes the expression of negative emotion and erratically reinforces emotional communication only after escalation by the child. In doing so, the family shapes an emotional expression style that essentially cuts off the communicative function of ordinary emotions.
Why is BPD More Misunderstood, Stigmatized, and Under-Funded Compared to Other Mental Illnesses?
Famous personalities who are thought to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder include Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, Adolph Hitler, the character portrayed by Winona Ryder in the film Girl, Interrupted, the roommate in the film Single White Female, and the character portrayed by Glenn Close in the film Fatal Attraction, among others.
Media stereotypes have enhanced the most severe symptoms of BPD and increased the stigma rather than promoting education and providing support for those who struggle to cope in real life. Without the emergence of a celebrity or well-known and highly-respected individual who is diagnosed and functioning with BPD to spark a more positive and hope-inspiring media campaign to generate awareness and support, individuals with BPD will likely continue to be considered ‘untreatable burdens’ by the public, given lower priority for research funding within the mental health community, and denied coverage for treatment by the healthcare industry.
http://bpdawareness.org
I started playing squash when I was eleven... I was naturally gifted at sports and I excelled at most sports or physical activities, being the tomboy I was. I was even scouted by an American tennis coach but squash was the game I took to another level. Needless to say that meant many hours as a young teenager in training and competitions - both at club level and internationally. I represented Scotland in the U14, U16 and U19 squad.
In the earlier days there was a girl at the same club a few years older than me who was a better player and indeed the top womans club player. I aspired to one day beat her. I looked up to her and would watch her play at every chance. She was tall, athletic and moved about the court so well and she was powerful. She was my sporting hero, along with Steffi Graf.
Unfortunately due to the age difference she went on to University never to be seen again. I played in the ladies club team as a teenager and worked my way up to position #2 but I always wondered how I would've fared against this woman who I shall simply call K.
Due to injuries my playing days at Scottish squad level ended when I was 18 and I recalled the horrific injuries I had seen K suffer on court. I wondered if she still played.
I had been hopeless in school - getting an academic qualification was just not my thing. I would stare out of windows and watch the physical ed. classes in progress. I basically only went to school for P.E. That said, I am proud of the qualifications I did get, especially passing Latin. That surprised EVERYONE. Yet, I knew I had passed... that was the one exam I knew I had passed.
Anyway, I was still interested in sports and went to college and studied sports and recreation. My first job, aged 18, was as a lifeguard at the local swimming centre... there I got my ASA swimming teachers qualification. But by the time I was 21 I was no longer working or involved in sport. Life seemed to change. I drifted. The longer I was not involved in any sports the harder it got to get back involved. Life and lifestyle just got in the way.
As most of you are aware by now I struggle with a mental disorder and in a way it has afforded me the opportunity to explore and express my more creative side. I was referred to a craftgroup workshop for people with enduring mental illness and there I met the project manager, a guy who I will call M. It turns out M is married to K, the woman who I had looked up to as a young teenager. Turns out she remembered me ( she recalls my style as aggressive and competitive).
For the last 24 years she has been a personal fitness trainer despite having endured some major knee and back operations. She suggested we get back on court and has offered to help me back to physical fitness. I have mentioned before that my medications have had a negative side effect of weight gain and my lack of motivation has meant I have not done much in the way of physical exercise.
I explained my fears of not being fit, of going back on court and not being able to play to the standard I once had, and the frustration I'd feel and the probable sense of failure. I mentioned that as a youngster I had looked up to her and now felt a bit daunted that in my present state of condition I'd not be able to give her a good game of squash.
K has offered to start off slowly - go on walks with me with her dogs, (she lives on a farm so plenty of room to roam and for me to use her private gym. She says she wants to be a supportive friend and joked that she was going to train me to muck out her stables. She totally understood my fears and has put my mind at ease so I look forward to Monday when I go up to the farm for the first time.
This week I plucked up the courage to ask the manager of the craft workshop, where I go for support, if I could use space at the workshop on an additional day to work on my photography. So now on Fridays I have a place and time each week to focus on my studio work and hopefully improve my skills. I am getting more confident behind the camera and not so self conscious so I see this development as a sign of progress. It shows that after 15 months of going there that I am comfortable enough in the environment to show my own creativity with the camera.
Here is a link to one of my latest photographs -
http://jackal23.blogspot.com/2008/04/flower.html
Here is an insight into my 'splitting' and interpersonal relationships. I am anxious and confused. I avoided a confrontation with my CPN ( community psychiatric nurse ) this week by walking out of the session. No thank-you or goodbye - just up and out. I avoid confrontation at all costs.
I know I am ultra-sensitive to criticism and rejection - real or perceived but I am also very aware of my acute ability to be aware of another's mood and pick up on various clues. I picked up on frustration and annoyance coming from the CPN.
The 'creative arts' course has started and I am a little outwith my comfort zone. So far we have explored emotions both through shape, colour and size, and through movement, sound and words. Basically we took 4 emotions - happiness, sadness, anger and fear and expressed what they mean to us through simple artwork, words, sounds and motion.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder are unable to regulate the level of emotion experienced... so I was quite interested to see how my experiences of emotion compared to others in the group. But have you ever tried to express emotions in shapes, colours, size? It's not so easy. How would you express fear as a shape? What colour would you use for anger? What sound would you make for sadness etc. etc? Now it is all very well to quietly think about it in your head but to try to express and show it to strangers? Very daunting.
I was interested to find that happiness was the hardest for me to draw and fear was the easiest to draw. Does that reflect my state of mind at present?Anyway, we end our class each week with 'laughing yoga'. We stand in a circle and we laugh. Talk about being self conscious!!! To make it easier for us we start with a put on theatrical laugh... then within a few moments you actually do begin to laugh - it IS infectious. Initially it is awkward. I was smiling at the prospect... possibly in disbelief that it was actually going to happen... but yup, we ended up laughing. I am sure in time it will feel less awkward as we get to know each other on the course better and hopefully these things will all help in the development of my social skills and confidence.
I have created a photo blog - jackal23.blogspot.com/
Exhausted but exhilarated by my trip to the Masai Mara in Kenya, I feel I need a holiday to recover! The word safari means journey and what a journay I have been on - on many levels.
Not sure I can put into words the experience Minz and I had, when it reaches deep into your soul, but I can tell you we had a very special trip with many treasured and close encounters. Hopefully when my head stops spinning I'll attempt to write snippets here and there along with the photographs I post at cre8buzz, flickr and at my new photo blog - jackal23.blogspot.com/
Yesterday I started a 'Creative Arts' course which was also the second anniversary of my father's death. With going to Kenya when I did and then returning to start something new I never had a chance to fixate on the anniversary... so it came and went without too much difficulty.
On Saturday the intrepid mother and daughter duo, Minz and Jackal, are off on safari in the Masai Mara, Kenya. Be back soon - hopefully with a couple of photos.
For some time now I have been trying to come to a decision I could be happy with regarding my photography. I am not going to continue trying to sell my work at craft fairs. It was naive of me to think I could make any real money from my efforts.
The illusion that one day I'd be shooting for National Geographic, a wild dream. I can't even bring myself to submit an image to a local magazine. Such is my doubt and lack of confidence.
The craft fairs gave me hope - only to be followed by disappointment. I wasn't too worried about the money I was forking out - I was gaining experience. But ultimately, I realized that unless my work was far superior I was not going to make a name for myself.
So my photography will simply be my passionate hobby. But I do feel at a bit of a loss... the craft fairs had given me something to do, something I could tell others about. Show that I was making the effort - trying to prove my worth - but it was all too much for me. So am battling the sense that some folks say I have given up. For once, though I feel I am being realistic. I am not strong on marketing or promoting my work - yet others seem to think it would all be so easy. Not for me it ain't!!! So will see if in time I regret my decision or not. I wonder if I tried hard enough, long enough but truth is - even if I had tried harder it would not have worked out.
I challenge myself to try to upload new material often over at www.cre8buzz.com/profiles/112 . I organize a monthly photo assignment so that is always fun to do.
In other news I started the creative writing course. It had not occured to me that I'd need to actually read OUT my work to a room full of strangers. Talk about being out of my (mind) comfort zone.
I also finally, after managing to find the rain an excuse not to go, went to the walking group. Was mostly your retired type and of course, they all knew each other so I just tagged along. They go for a coffee after the walk but I, being not so sociable made my excuses and left.
I have also applied for a Creative Arts course starting in March for 3 months which will cover creative writing, visual arts, voice and movement ( interpret as me running out door screaming, "you want me to what?", percussion and drama. So again I'll be out of my comfort zone but the course is aimed for those struggling with mental illness and will hopefully improve my social skills, confidence, self-esteem and personal development.
However, I was honest in my application about my struggles so may find I am not given a place.
Time will tell... I'll hear early March.
Daunted but determined I am enrolling in a short creative writing course next week, joining a walking group and continuing part 2 of the digital art course. All in an effort to kickstart my year.
Life is a bit of a struggle just now. Maybe I just lack direction or ambition... overwhelmed by the choices in life. Have I failed to capitalize on opportunities or even feared them?
I have doubted myself to the point of being crippled with uncertainty and disbelief. My photography at a standstill - last years craft fairs ran at a loss and I am not sure I have it in me to continue to put myself through all that again, or even know how to move forward.
I am an underachiever, in fact - a failure.
Uncertainty seems the flavour of the month with decisions to make - if only I knew all the options. If only I knew what to do.
The root problem - Depression - has a grip of me... like a snare, the more I struggle the tighter the grip. And fight it I have. I have reached out to others, tried to keep busy and involved over at cre8buzz. Tried to keep my humour.
Tried to control the decline to limit the damage. Now I am just tired.
Sleep seduces. Interests, a vague memory. Everything an incredible effort. I don't want to go out... don't want to take photographs. I am tired and lack motivation.
I'm not living - I am simply existing.
I am bemused by the professionals' input, the nurse draws up a daily routine planner - Oh so simple actions but a mountain to climb.
I have tried to establish a community over at cre8buzz in the photography community but feel my efforts are not enough. I feel an outsider and I so wanted to belong. I have tried to remain positive here in my blog - not be negative, but I am not a dreamer for if I were I'd see a vision of my future .
Melody, over at SlurpingLife slurpinglife.typepad.com/slurping_life/ has written a post about - me.
slurpinglife.typepad.com/slurping_life/2008/01/sharing-the-bea.html
This is the second time this week someone has written about me. I am speechless.
The scholar aka Gigi Leonard of the roadsidescholar blog has written a post about - me.
www.roadsidescholar.com/2008/01/14/janine-kain-photography/
Thank you Gigi.
I am considering entering my first photographic competition of 2008. The 42 Photographic Competition + Exhibition will be judged on the 25th February and the idea is to portray the city of Dundee. It will be my second ever entry into a competition and what I like about this competition is every entry will also be part of an exhibition which will last for two weeks.
I am considering entering a monochrome print - River Tay Railbridge in Fog.
www.flickr.com/photos/jackal1/2068635455/
Historically it was the the scene of Scotland's worst rail disaster back in 1879 in which 75 folks died after part of the bridge collapsed in a storm and six carriages fell into the river.
Name: Jackal
Introvert with sense of humour who struggles with borderline personality disorder. I am driven by a curiosity to explore and express through experimenting in writing and photography.
Mo'nonymous on New Home
Mo'nonymous on New Home
Olivia77 on New Home
Olivia77 on it's a dog's life
Mo'nonymous on New Home
Mo'nonymous on it's a dog's life
Mo'nonymous on New Home
Mo'nonymous on New Home
Mo'nonymous on Introducing Milky
Mo'nonymous on New Home
visited *loading* times
